Cheap Date

Yep, she called me a jerk!

And a creep and an asshole.

But even worse she called me cheap.

Not to my face mind you.

No, it was all done later behind my back.

But the result was damning and it effectively ended my social life at Chico State.

So let me rewind my story to the very beginning. After all, most stories have a starting point, then a middle, and an end.

This one was no different – so let’s just say it all started innocently enough. A guy asks a girl out on a date and it all goes horribly wrong. 

Perhaps he said something utterly stupid. Perhaps he did something that offended the other party. Maybe he hit the unholy trifecta by doing all the above – including thinking he’s doing the right thing by being “honest.”  In the end, it doesn’t really matter because if someone (besides the offending dumkoph) gets hurt – well that’s on him.

Yes, many years have passed since that awful night and I’m much older now – but when I recall the disastrous date I had with Laurie Newbert back in 1976 – it still causes me great embarrassment and shame. 

I’m gonna tell you my side of the story and you can decide for yourself.

***

The Delta Fraternity at Chico State traditionally had a Thursday night party every week during the school year where a nearby Sorority was invited to come, drink beer, dance, and fraternize with some of the brothers.

Every week it was a party with a different group of chicks and it was fun.

Now each Sorority had a different reputation in the Greek Community. Some had the best-lookin’ girls while others were known for their ability to drink and raise hell. There was one other smaller group who was known to be rather prudish. These young “ladies”  were more interested in academia, eschewed loud music, drinking to excess, and rarely showed up when invited to our parties, but that being said there was no love lost as they weren’t much fun to socialize with anyway. 

***

It was Spring at Chico in 1976 and the days were heating up as the winter receded into the background. Gone were the dark chilly nights as the sun was out later and the evening hours were brighter and warmer 

It was a glorious time to be young and a student at the State College as Spring heralded one of the most exciting events at school – Pioneer Week. So there were a lot of parties happening all around campus in preparation for the week-long festival that was a few months away.

As I said previously the Delta Fraternity threw a weekly bash every Thursday and the scheduled one was one of the most anticipated as the Delta Zeta Sorority was invited to attend.

The Zetas also affectionately known as the DZ’s we’re known to have some of the hottest chicks as its members. The members were traditionally blonde, buxom, and notoriously rich.

Now I had just abruptly ended a month-long relationship with a gal from the Alpha Gamma Sorority after receiving an ultimatum that a “marriage proposal” was expected to be forthcoming.

Needless to say, the “M” word scared the living shit out of my young ass – so I called it quits and went back to enjoying being single.

***

It was around eight o’ clock when the entire DZ’ Sorority descended on my Frat like a swarm of locusts. Beer kegs were quickly tapped and stereo music was cranked to the point that the entire neighborhood was soon loudly subjected to the tunes of Peter Framptom, Boz Scaggs, and Elton John.

By ten thirty I was soakin’ sweat as I had danced multiple times with Laurie and had ingested several pints of Miller Lite beer. My blue corduroy and velour (also blue) shirt looked like I had just pulled them on right after a washing machine’s rinse cycle and I probably reeked of a melange of weed, cheap Brut cologne and booze. 

I assumed she liked the fact I danced like a guy who was doing some light furniture dusting with a feather duster stuck up his ass. So why not ask her out during a break? After all it appeared she liked to enjoy my company and had not bolted to the restroom after one dance.

Me: “Heyhowsboutyouandmegoonadate?!

Laurie:”What?!”

Me: “Me, you go out on a date?”

Laurie: “You dance great!”

Me: “No! Go out! You and me.”

Laurie: ” What? I can’t hear you…”

Me: I’M ASKING YOU OUT A DATE!!”

Laurie: “OH.. OKAY! WHEN?”

Meet: “How about…uh next Saturday.”

Laurie: “What day?!”

Me: “NEXT SATURDAY!”

Laurie: “GREAT!”

And with that the dye was cast. 

However, once the party was over, I rapidly came to the realization that I had no money to take Laurie out. 

You see my monthly allowance from my Old Man was extremely parsimonious. Often I barely had enough dough to buy gas for my car. Most of the time I ate stuff forgotten in the Frat House kitchen – like old pancake mix made into pancakes with no syrup or butter. For dinner I often ate refried beans with lots of hot sauce at Taco Bell because it was cheap and filling.

I seriously doubted that a cigarette and a cup of Joe at Denny’s would impress someone like Laurie who was probably used to being taken out to nicer places in town.

So yeah, I had little over a week to figure out how to extricate myself from the situation or come up with some money.

The clock was ticking and I was in trouble.

***

Finally the night arrived

I have to say – It was the longest short walk I had ever made as we made our way to my car.

With anxiety sweat running down my back and my heart in my throat – I was completely tongue tied.

For the life of me I didn’t know how to tell her I was broke.

I opened the door for her, then  got in on my side.

I looked over and Laurie who gave me an excited expectant look.

“Listen Laurie. There’s something I need to tell you,” I said.

***

The years have been kind to Laurie – if her social media account actually represents her life so far. She’s been married to the same guy for the last forty-five years, lives in a posh area of Scottsdale Arizona, has a bunch of kids and grandkids, and despite several attempts on my part refuses to accept my Facebook friend request.

I guess she still remembers me.