Writer’z Kramp
Our cat was an asshole. He bit my Mom. He bit my brother. He even bit me!! We all hated him. Eventually the little fucker ran away. Good riddance. The end. “Ahhh, another masterpiece,” I sighed, closing my laptop. Oh boy, never had my inherent wit come so easily and effortlessly in writing my latest…
Dig Your Own Grave Sucka!
The moment I found a nose lying at the bottom of my cereal bowl – I knew it was gonna be a bad day. Searching my face confirmed that I had lost my nose. Yup, that was mine alright. Godamnit. Must have fallen off while I was having breakfast and enjoying reruns of Jeopardy on…
“The Great War” Part 9
Grandaffy dressed in a pink cloak exhorted the Elf Troops to stand firm and hold thar ground. But with each fresh attack our Boys were slowly pushed back. Meanwhile our Communications Headquarters was desperately firing telegraphs to your Toy Factory. Implorin’ ye for aerial assistance. Now why you had decided to take Mrs Klause during…
“The Great War” Part 8
Finally the exhausted threesome arrived at their destination. They stood at the base of an enormous Volcano. The craggy dormant mountain towered into the cloudy heavens. There was a big sign that read: “Great Anus of Doom Volcano.” Visitors Welcome. Volcano Park Hours 10 am – 5 pm. Do not litter. Hewitt Putter reached into…
“The Great War” Part 1
Dear Mistur Klause, Whenever we git together with kin on Holidays or go camping with friends – invariably I’m called upon to recount my memories of the “Great War.” And even though I never got tired of tellin’ it – I felt it was high time that I wrote my version down. Younger kin folk…
Destiny
Dear Mister Klause, I always believed that an Elf’s Destiny should be decided at home. Not on some foreign soil or continent. Still, as a patriotic tax payin’ Elf, I do believe in protectin’ my country. Hence I did participate in the Great War several hundred years ago. Nosir, The Great War was not won…
“Rooty” the Rooster. Hand Puppet from Hell!!! Part 1
Introduction A Rooster hand puppet torments me…even in my dreams. The Story of “Rooty!” How can you torture your older brother? Easy! You find something that really annoys him. And you do it constantly. Even he asks you to knock it off. In this case, my younger had found a hand puppet called “Rooty…
P.A.M.A. Files: Episode 2 – The Fat Kid loses some weight and survives his first week at Military School
Introduction I survive my initial week at school. Get to know some of my teachers, and drop a few pounds. It soon became apparent to me that there were some kids at school that were more screwed up than me. Which was hard to believe considering what a head case I had been prior to…
1974 Sadie Hawkins Dance. “CHUCK” The Heartbreaker Part 3
“Chuck Bucklin? Yes, I called several times and left messages to see if he was coming to our 25th Farmstead Class of 1974 Reunion. But he never returned my calls.”Cynthia Mannor, Farmstead High School Alumni Chairman, Farmstead High School. Class of 1974. “Chuck? No, I didn’t know him that well at school. Some of the…
They Called Him Assh*le! A Savage Feline Tale about One Mean Cat! Part 3
The Summer was soon upon us and by some miracle I found out I had been accepted to Chico State College for the Fall term. That meant Freedom! I could board at school and be far enough away from Mom’s Daily Drama with her Beaus and “Asshole’s Reign of Terror.” School was almost 4 hours…